Archive: The Longing

The Longing

Whenever my mind goes quiet, I go back there.
It feels like any fantasy movie where an ordinary person stumbles into a magical world, only to return to the normal one, forever changed. And that is where that movie ends. But, it doesn’t. Like trauma in reverse, such a thing doesn’t leave you. How do you go on knowing you might never return? That is why movie houses make sequels. The Never-ending Story, Narnia, Harry Potter, ect. The need to go back is so great.

And yet, it is June and I have heard nothing. It is quite possible there will be nothing. The added frustration comes now at not being able to see a film made of that time, because I am not there to see it.

Common sense says I should accept the bittersweet nature of the miracle that was The Pilgrimage; as a fantastic singularity that I should be glad I existed in. Don’t be so greedy. Most people never experience anything close. But I was so alive. I did it to escape the padded room essential for my survival, to live for something so grand that even my illness was paled by it.

As my show continues and my condition declines, I feel suffocated by my limitations once again. I am in bed once again on a beautiful day. Perhaps I’ll sleep outside. And then I do.

And it stirs a memory…


  • Charlotte Walbrecht Anie— You look so beautiful and healthy in your photo! Sorry you are not feeling well! Is there anyone who can help you in any way? Sad…….:/ ♥
  • Matt Hulse But it is June. This screening is not nothing. Perhaps it is the thing.
  • Adele McCollum Maybe you need a trip to Florida?
  • Anie Knipping @Matt, don’t play, man. I will drop everything for another festival. But I can’t do it for just one day…..
  • Matt Hulse I just thought that with all these fellow Pilgrims and everything … in one place … that you might find that magical … after all, what is a festival? It’s people and place. Films, music, theatre, dance – are the excuse for the gathering. Sure, that doesn’t help if you still can’t make it over, but the fact that it’s ‘just one day’ is maybe not the issue here. You will be sorely missed.
  • Matt Hulse PS: Play is life.
  • Anie Knipping *sigh* If it were for more than a day I could justify it, but travel is just not that easy. Would you consider coming stateside?
  • Matt Hulse Aye. But I am unlikely to be able to bring all the Pilgrims along as well. It’s easier – in this instance – if you come to them/us. I have some ideas. Do you know:

    You could ask for your fare and we Pilgrims and all your pals could pitch in? Crazy but true!

  • Anie Knipping I dunno man. Besides the fact that I’ll be returning from my annual personal pilgrimage that day, I just can’t bear to ask for help sending me to Scotland when surely there are others that would want the same.
  • Matt Hulse Ach, I don’t know. There’ll be folk in London who think it’s too far / too expensive. Possibly even folk in Edinburgh. It’s all relative. if you want to come I am sure it’s possible but it’s about activating a dream, not just dreaming it. But ‘just dreaming it’ is fine too.
  • Jules M Bartkiewicz we should do a pilgrimage cruise…man that would be funny
  • Anie Knipping And now I feel just sad.
  • Jules M Bartkiewicz I can’t go to Scotland either if it makes you feel any less alone?
  • Jeni Reid Don’t feel sad Anie, we’ve got a virtual Pilgrimage going on right here.
  • Anie Knipping I actually do feel a bit better. Cheers mates. ♥
  • Milla McIntosh I know how powerful bittersweet memories can be, sometimes you can feel them physically pulling away inside you. There was something so elemental about what we all did together, we shared something so special, I feel forever changed from it too. But you never know what might be lying round the corner – that’s the great thing about life. Let the magic of your experiences carry you forward and don’t lose hope X

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