Archive: The Decision

The Decision

My shame these past few days has been my autism. Having autism means being unable to see the many lines people draw in the sand. I have been mourning this, for had I been able to see the lines, surely I would have known a friendship with Tilda was impossible. Tilting at windmills. Stubbornness, I’m finding, is a fairly standard trait with us as well. If it lacks logic, it tends to be ignored. Almost all things are possible to the autistic so long as logic carries it. If I had been normal, I would have known and stayed away.
And she never would have known me.
And many of you here never would have known me.
There would have been no Scotland.
My book would never have been finished.
There would be no art show.
All of this formed from the impossible task of meeting Tilda Swinton.
It wasn’t without suffering but it was worth it. Each barrier crossed showed so many lines in the sand to be nothing more than that.
The only true universal law of humanity is fear. Everything else fluctuates. I stand here now afraid, because Sandro has insinuated a line in the sand, some universal law that I can’t see. I should be fearful, because he must know better than I. Everyone does, yes? In that same thought, everyone likes chocolate ice cream. Everyone. And yet, my wife doesn’t. Short of fear, how can any of these ‘universal’ sociological laws speak for everyone? It can’t be assumed everyone follows them all. Thus far, Tilda hasn’t. A normal person who followed social common practice would not have had anything to do with me after that disastrous letter. Nor would she have come back for me during the Polanski scandal.
I assume because it’s Tilda’s boyfriend telling me to never speak to her again that this is what SHE wants, for he must know her mind. Then again, my own mother can’t remember my age sometimes and my wife still can‘t predict what I want. Why am I taking Sandro’s word for this?
And what is his word, exactly? What I thought was passive-aggressive wording may hold the key.
“No one’s telling you not to. I’m just saying you shouldn’t.”
Why not? Are you worried about Tilda? Because when I asked if I was bothering her (twice) you never answered. Then are you worried about me?
Well I’m flattered and thankful then. It’s true, I was floating out to sea. This has been a good wake-up call to get me grounded again. However, to say I can never contact her again, even through a public festival, is overkill. There was no need for it. If I’m not bothering Tilda, let me handle myself. I can. If I couldn’t, I doubt she would have kept in touch so long. I am a good person, dammit, and I work very hard not to impose my strangeness on others. I have a wife and friends, and I don’t think it’s all due to pity. I don’t think what I have with Tilda, however small it is, is pity either (god I hope not). Nobody thought she’d even look my way when I sent my first letter.
My decision;
Forget it for now. I only tried to see her when she was in town and those trips were hard enough as it was. I don’t have the energy for it anymore. She apparently isn’t checking her fan-mail either and god knows if I’ll ever get past that secretary. I don’t have much to say anyway. I’m not her good friend and I never will be, if not simply because it is logistically impossible.
She personally hasn’t given me any indication that she never wants to hear from me again and even then things can change. Delusional? Maybe, but Aspies are tenacious by design, and often that which makes us fall can also make us fly. Thank you Matt, Matt, Jules, Joe, Donna, and everyone else for their support of me through this. I needed it.


  • Jules M Bartkiewicz Anie Im Aspie too so I can relate somewhat in the social awkwardness. I think Sandro is being exactly what you say passive aggressive. I also think it isn’t for you or Tildas safety but his own ego. I think he feels he has some sort of power he can throw around and is abusing it.
    That being said I also think you should just stay away from the whole lot of them, you don’t need the head games its hard enough dealing with people with honest intentions while being aspie let alone people who are being deceitful.
  • Anie Knipping I didn’t know you were an Aspie too! I don’t know about Sandro, but Tilda’s always been straight with me, so far as I can tell. Maybe it just helps for me to believe that, I’m not sure.
  • Jules M Bartkiewicz Yep Ive aspergers too I have a hard time trusting/figuring people but my main problems are with lights and sounds. I’ve been through a lot of “life skills” classes though and they have helped me figure out a lot about people that doesn’t naturally come to me like it would other people.
    But I really think Tilda doesn’t hate you or anything she probably just wants her space and to keep things as most people keep their work relationships, at a distance.
    That being said I still dont think it was any place of Sandros to say anything to you.
  • Sutton Laurus I was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome over 14 years ago, but I never really thought about it, and not thinking about it meant that I never considered myself an “aspie,” just a stranger in a strange world that only made sense half the time instead of three quarters of the time.

    I’ve been in your situation before, though, and I can relate. I think non-autistics suffer through stuff like this, but to much smaller degrees. I think you get desensitized to it eventually.

  • Renee Watabe hey, I may not be an Aspie as you call it, but I can relate to the squiggly feelings you vividly describe. Isn’t part of being human and vulnerable and isn’t the beauty of what you are saying and expressing, Anie, in your fearlessness and lack of masking. So many masks in this crazy society. I often wonder how they really serve us and one does not necessarily have to have Asperger’s to feel the pain of hitting up against the masks. I think there is much greater value in doing away with the masks, being honest and feeling the pain and awkwardness. At least it’s real. I like real. I like it a lot. Isn’t the rest a waste of time?
  • Susan Lipson I can understand this, because I’ve also felt shame when my autism has prevented me from seeing boundaries that others seem to recognize instinctively. And I’ve been denied contact with someone when I crossed those boundaries. It’s a difficult situation, though I do think it happens to others as well (not just Aspies). People’s intentions are hard to understand.

    But, I will say that it seems like a positive sign you’ve not heard directly from Tilda. I agree with Jules’ first comment
    about Sandro–I think this is about him, not you or Tilda. If she really wanted no contact, I’d find it very odd that she’d have him deliver this message.

  • Anie Knipping I love you guys.
    It’s strange, I never thought I was an Aspie for real until this. Maybe some part of me was still holding out because I thought maybe if I tried a little harder, I could cover it. Or maybe that’s just my mother speaking.
    It means I’m going to have to go back and really think about what my weaknesses are, and what they aren’t.
    As for Tilda, it doesn’t fit her at all. I can’t imagine Sandro was acting on his own because it seems so impossible to me as an Aspie that a person could do that to someone, but I may have to leave that door open. I wish there was a way to know for sure.
  • Anie Knipping And dang it Jules, we could have been Aspie buddies on the trip!
  • Susan Lipson (about Sandro acting on his own) It’s hard for me to imagine, too, but going by how I’ve seen others act in the past, it seems that people do these kinds of things. I think it’s a definite possibility.

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