Archive: There’s really nothing I could have done.

There’s really nothing I could have done.

Pastel I did of said night.

I was in New York when it hit me. Some dark street pocked with light and the wind everywhere.

There’s nothing I could have done.

They say the path to hell is paved with good intentions, but I always thought that was a pessimistic myth. How could a good deed be bad? It’s bad if someone full on believes it’s bad. It may not be done on purpose. Maybe the idea that someone would even go through those lengths for her is impossible to render, so it goes to an idea that makes more sense, even if it’s completely false.

People used to blame witches for all kinds of things. They didn’t know the real reason things got sick and died, but the witch thing sure made sense. It didn’t matter how much you protested; once you were labeled a witch, it was over. There’s nothing you could say that would change their mind. In fact, anything you said henceforth would be taken out of context and distorted. The bottom line is;

There is no way to win. Even with logic, even with history, even with facts, there is no way to win if no one wants to hear it.

Before I realized this, I was so confused. No matter what I said, it wasn’t getting through. But it had to eventually, right? I mean, faced with the facts and my past actions and the fact that we’re friends and-

Well no. Facts is just a fancy word for convincing sciency-type lies. Especially circumstantial evidence. As for past and friends, you don’t really know that. A person may matter greatly to you, but that doesn’t mean it’s the other way around. Just because you believe you’ve been dependable doesn’t mean the other has ever seen you that way. Just because you care enough for someone that you would consider their side of the story even when you’re sure you’re right, that doesn’t mean they will return the favour. You never know how much you actually mean to someone, how much your feelings matter, to someone else.

The other problem is that blunt, no-bullshit type people don’t get emotional types. If someone is being emotional or passionate about something, then they are looking for attention. And half the time it’s true. How can you tell the difference? You can’t. You really can’t. So if I do something that only an emotional person would do, it’s hard to say whether or not I did it for attention or if I did it for the reason I’m saying. A lot of time it can be both. So emotional people are fucked in that respect. People don’t believe what emotional people say because they can’t tell if it’s the truth or not. It especially pisses people off if the emotional person makes them feel guilty but they don’t feel they deserve it. Then we get charged with manipulation.

I, for one, work very hard not to express anything that isn’t exactly what I feel. I’m sure my subconscious desires leak out here and there, but it’s not on purpose. I feel that would be irresponsible. I would never want to lead someone on, because I know how bad it feels when the curtain’s pulled away. I would have hoped that people believe me when I say this, but I guess not. Not if you didn’t know me well. But some of you DO know me well. I have a long track record of being a good person that is amazingly forgotten in moments of crisis.

Or maybe they were never noticed at all. Maybe I was never seen the way I thought I was, or mattered as much as I thought I did. You can’t change these things. You can’t change how people see you, despite all the proof and past in the world. You can’t make someone want to hear you out, you can’t convince them that you deserve it.

So never, never expect it. Don’t expect those you love to love you back. Don’t invest much emotion on anyone that isn’t yourself. Don’t believe when someone says they will always be there, or that they like you, or that you are their friend. Well, maybe believe a little, but don’t trust them with any more than you can stand to lose.

People are out there for themselves. It is the way of things.

You can only do what you can and be what you are. Past that, there’s nothing

Comments:

  • Charlotte Walbrecht What in the heck is going on? Did you lose someone you loved? Do not lose faith in others! You will find many people living out there that have their own agenda and will use others to get there. But…there are many good people out there and you just have to find them. Do not give up on the world or society! Live your life in a full, trusting and loving way and you will attract those like you! Do not give up on life or they will win in the end! Sorry you are having problems! Tomorrow is another day! Live for it and be thankful you can! 🙂
  • Jessica Williams Amen, sister. Well said.
  • Susan Lipson Don’t give up on the entire world! I know some people act that way, but not everyone!
  • Anie Knipping I can’t tell the difference. Even after years go by I can’t tell the difference.
    @Charlotte – my best friend is punishing me for something I did out of love and fear.
  • Marysia Kosowski “The other problem is that blunt, no-bullshit type people don’t get emotional types.” I couldn’t agree more and those people kind of scare me. I don’t believe anyone is really like that. I always believed everyone has an emotional core deep down. Maybe buried beneath years of repression. Maybe I’m wrong, but if I admit some people have no sentiment whatsoever I find that more troubling than the thought that they just hate to express their emotion.

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