Those of you who know me may have noticed the radical change in my nature as of late. It comes from a chain of events between September 24th and October 2nd.
I was in rapid decline in mid September.
Eventually I figured the cause and made a desperate move to fix it.
It worked, but from it spawned a new problem. The friend hadn’t just bailed.
She stopped talking to me around then. There was an outright refusal to even consider my side. I tried to reason it out as I always do, wondering if I did something wrong due to autism or some stupid thing. But eventually I came to terms with it, more or less.
She still took shots at me through text messages, accusing me of being selfish and whiny. I decided I was okay with whiny. More people should be.
I didn’t bother writing back. On October 2nd I received a string of scathing messages on my phone. Each was a carefully honed shot aimed for my weaknesses, my demons, my darkest fears, those that plagued me to the core. I had been trying to excise them for years but they were still there despite.
That no one wanted me because I was handicapped.
That people were only nice to me out of pity.
Secretly others thought me crazy (I’m seriously cleaning this up. The original language was incredibly crass and nasty)
One of my best friends was trying to kill me from within and it was working. But she made a mistake.
“I don’t even know why Beanie (my wife) $@#&% puts up with you.”
And that’s when it ended.
(Note: sexy woman in this entry is not the one causing me grief)
And so I wrote back.
“Talk to me in person when you grow a pair. You’ll know where to find me.”
She kept sending messages but I deleted them without looking. I told a mutual friend of ours about this and she was shocked.
“You didn’t read what she said? What if it was something important?”
The old me might have thought that too, that I needed to listen to what everyone else had to say because I was too stupid and retarded to be sure on my own. Everyone had to know better when they said such things. They were normal, I was handicapped, and this friend had seemed the sanest, most grounded, street smart person I knew. I had trusted her opinion far above my own for years, but then she said the one thing that I KNEW was a lie. The mirage shattered along with every demon she had summoned, decades of fear and pain erased in a flash.
It’s been weeks since. I laugh more, engage more, fear less. I am more comfortable around people and with myself. I have nothing to prove. I go out more. I have more patience and confidence. I’ve been partying like crazy and accomplishing so much. I love my wife more than ever, the one force strong enough to repel such darkness. I still have my health problems but I’m comfortable with them now.
I know who I am, and it is good.
Tagged are all of you who I care for and care for me.
Jessica Williams I’m touched to be tagged here. And I’m incredibly happy that you’ve taken the necessary steps to find yourself. You are a beautiful person, Anie, disorder or not. You are the most functional autistic person I have ever met in my life. And you are not at fault for the idiocy of others. Much love and respect. ♥October 24, 2010 at 10:35pm · Like
Steve KnippingHa count me as another one who is pretty confused, but I’m glad you’re doing well now…Here is a song:
http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/s/Phantom+Part+2/1Nk0SyOctober 24, 2010 at 11:42pm · Like
Marysia Kosowski I too am touched to be tagged. I also don’t know what happened. Who could’ve been this mean to you? That sort of falls under stalking and harassment, what she did. I’m really glad you’re enjoying life now despite all the health problems. It’s worth fighting for. Anie, you said in one of your previous posts that you warm up to just about anyone who smiles at you, and you can only hope some of that friendship is genuine. That’s one of the things I love most about you. You’re so friendly, open, and honest. You’re genuinely considerate of the people you befriend. You treat us all as if we’ve been your friends for life even though some of us have only talked to you online and once or twice on the phone. Keep smiling (and partying). 🙂October 24, 2010 at 11:44pm · Like
Alexandra Brody Salazar… Aw… It’s strife like this that makes me the maddest ever. It’s injustice and in lots of ways, a wholly evil ordeal. But seeing you come out on top of it– that makes me glad.I’m touched that you tagged me, though. Even if it was for the sake of one stuck doorknob. 🙂
Anie Knipping 🙂 🙂 :-)!!!
I’ll answer each of your thoughts throughout the day but to Alex;
It wouldn’t have happened without you.
I hope you know this. Wife is a million hearts but she is also overly cautious. Thank you, thank you so much for being the ballistic force behind that weekend that changed my life. I am forever in your debt.October 25, 2010 at 7:37am · Like
Charlotte Walbrecht Sorry for all you have gone through with this so called bad friend! That sounds like major bullying in my book! You have to be very proud of yourself for the way you have handled the situation and made a life style change for the better! Things can only get better for you from here on! 🙂 :)!!October 25, 2010 at 11:04am · Like
Susan Lipson I am so glad you’re feeling better and not letting her remarks hurt you. And I hadn’t known all the things she said to you; she sounds like such a bully.
Thank you for tagging me, I am also touched! If you ever need to talk about anything, I’ll be here. ♥October 25, 2010 at 7:17pm · Like
Anie KnippingAnd now, the undertaking of replies. ♥@Jessica Williams – Truth be told, at first I didn’t understand why you made your sadness so public here on the FB, but around the time I wrote “Attention” I realized seeking attention is legitimate for those who provide it to others. Keep spending, keep winning, high-roller.;-)
@Sutton Laurus – I’ll tell you details when I sees you. I don’t want to fling too much poop in public. It doesn’t even matter anyway. I am so far beyond it now.
@Kimberly Alonzo – Thanks, love. Call on me if you need me.
@Jules M Bartkiewicz – The pain does pass, but seriously, you GOT to get out of Nowhere, Canada. ;-p
@Steve Knipping – It’s a long, annoying story that you will be no doubt hear several times as I try to explain it to Ma.;-) Got the book! Awesomeness!
@Marysia Kosowski – Of course I tagged you. We’re part of the novel pact (Prods Jess too). We were the first warriors against the injustice of the Sidja. Such bonds run deep.:-) Also you know what it means to just randomly get sick all the time.
Saving your post because it makes me happy. ♥
@Alexandra Brody Salazar – To repeat earlier, it wouldn’t have happened without you.
I hope you know this. Wife is a million hearts but she is also overly cautious. Thank you, thank you so much for being the… ballistic force behind that weekend that changed my life. I am forever in your debt. Also you serve as a witness to the whole damn thing, so between you and wife I KNOW it went down like it went down, because you all saw it.
@Rika Alper – Thank YOU, Rika, for being the alchemist of my process and the defragger of my mental hard-drive for the past six years.
@Amanda Grace – If you keep hanging around Church Street you’ll have more than you can stand.;-)
@Candace Mailhot “Injury, when it is slight, upsets me; when it is strong, it calms me” Antonio Porchia. – So very true. Perhaps that is why I welcome chaos. The more dust kicked up, the more lies uncovered.
@Charlotte Walbrecht – She’s… I dunno. Not my problem, that’s for sure. Oddly enough, my telling her to piss off has given another person the strength to do the same. So it’s been useful for more than me.:-)
@Ash Bond – Thanks love. As the first (and best) Jadite I played against, it has become ingrained in me that the Queen must live in you too, and so you have always held my respect. I don’t think I ever thanked you properly for being there during that godawful learning experience that was ‘The Tilda Event’. I’ll always be here for you too.:-)
@Helene Witcher – Thanks, love. I wish I had known you better, but we’ll meet again. ♥
@Susan Lipson – I love you too, eerily similar autistic, gay Jadi/Carmenite clone who listens to Sasha and Digweed while wearing old t-shirts, Indian pants, and unnaturally coloured hair. You should stay over!
@Michael Gamsby – Thanks, ect.;-)
@Renee Pociopa – ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ You are my baby and I will name you squishy cheeks because you are a pile of soft things covered in a fine layer of candy love that has been marinated in a fine sauce of super marriage wedged between two hot cakes of sweetness. Now I will take a nap on your cherub cheeks and nestle amongst the soft, fine fuzz of your eyebrows.
So it is written, so shall it be done.
@Everyone – Bullying succeeds through isolation from the group. This victory was made by you all (and especially wife, who is made out of butter) standing behind me and over-ruling her judgment. All of you from different places, different countries, through different social circles. 50,000,000 Elvis fans can’t be wrong. If what she said of me were true, I doubt you’d still be here.
And so ******, I say to you, good day.
🙂October 28, 2010 at 11:29am · Like