Archive: Everyone but me.

Everyone but me.

I’m crying as I write this. I’ve been crying for the past hour, half of which was spent in the exercise room, beating the hell out of a punching bag. My knuckles are raw. I don’t feel any better.

She listened to everyone but me, anyone but me it seems. She’s still not listening. Why?

She was my first love. We coasted on the wind. But then she listened to everyone but me, and left.

I worked to bring us back together as friends, but she was so far away. Years passed and then one cold day nearly a year ago the call came. She had cancer.

She went the usual route of treatment at first, but when it failed a fork in the road was made. Where to go next? I wanted her to go to Sloan-Kettering. I wanted her to talk to a friend who had miraculously survived due to an experimental treatment there.

But she found a book, a magazine, a person here, a person there. I don’t know who they were. They said “go to California, there’s a new treatment there.”

I did the research. I told her it was bunk. I begged her to go to Sloan Kettering, or at least one of the better hospitals for a second opinion. I sent her lists of clinical trials.She listened to everyone else but me.

Now the nay-sayers have caught up, but I get no pleasure from being right. They say I should realize I did all I could, that she made these decisions on her own. She did, by consulting everyone but me. She tells me now that there was nothing that could have been done, but there was. There fucking was. Who’s to say she would have survived if she went to a real hospital instead of that fucking scam? I don’t know, but at least I could really believe when people say we did all we could.

They say “don’t blame yourself. It was not your decision to make.”

 

I know.

 

But when you made your decisions, why, why did you listen to everyone… but me?

Comments:

  • Woodstock Ross The treatment may have been less scary, the head was cloudy from other treatments, and the stress too much.

    If she is saying they did everythig they could, just accept it and let her believe it if it brings her comfort towards her end. You may see if she’d be willing to try something new. If not then just be a source of comfort for her.

    Many hugs hon,
    R

  • Susan Lipson I’m sorry, dear. I wish things were better. If at any point you do want to talk, please know that I will be here.
  • Steven Mercado MY MOM called me 4 years ago form a hospital cuz the dr said she had cancer, i was ins college at the time for am MD degree.

    It knew this day would come, so i was ready, I told my mom to stop crying and i will take care of this. so i stopped her from buying food and i was the on to buy here food for the home and put here on my BLOOD TYPE DIET. ALSO OMEGA 3 vitamin B,C,D and never to eat meet again. after 2 years the cancer went away ..

    know my mom is a fighter cuz she wants to live, if it happened to me i would eat meet every day and be happy to die cuz my clinical depression sucks the will to live out of me.

    i normal listen to others before i listen to my sis or mom cuz i think i know everything that they know … “whats new?” so keep this in mind.

    I you need some one to talk to ask me for my number and i will be happy to take to you. miss you xoxo

    PS it was nice meeting you, you gave me home and a reason to live on

  • Jack Parra Sorry to hear, feel free to call me and I’ll come right over.
  • Charlotte Walbrecht Sorry of your loss Anie! I owe my life to Sloan-Kettering but I alone decided to go there for a second opinion! As they say…you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink! You did the best you could! Your friend is lost but you need to be in peace as you tried to do what you could for your friend! Your friend chose another path and one maybe not as good but you gave her the choice of another path! As friends that is all we can do…. sorry…..:/
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