It’s been a week, two weeks, sort of slimed together in chunks of pain and sleep and gazing into space. There’s a bit going on but nothing bad. Just flitting bits and it’s really hot.
The garden, I’m losing plants back there. I just can’t keep up with it, the heat. The water keeps running out and I only last a few minutes. Then the nausea rolls in.
Sometimes my head hurts so bad. Crying doesn’t help it. is it the heat? Or is it that the bird is sick again? It’s such a crap shoot with a bird. Vets can do all kinds of things for dogs and cats but not birds. I hate driving on highways, but when the bird gets sick I drive his ass an hour and a half each way to the bird vet. No, there isn’t one close. Those are vets that see birds, but they can’t actually DO anything for them.
Damn bird cost me another $300.
I’m supposed to be editing my novel but that’s not happening.
I forgot my own birthday last week. Where was I?
Sprawled on the couch. I was so sick that night.
This goddamed book of mine.
I hope the sickness ends tomorrow. It’s stress. Last night, no, Friday night… I was asleep Saturday. Friday night I saw the garden, dying. I got so sick Friday. I nearly passed out. I just knelt on the floored and listened to myself breathe. I’ve been either asleep or too nauseous to take my pills this past week. I’m sure that isn’t helping. I’m glad for gatorade. Water hurts sometimes. These birds just keep throwing seed everywhere and I can’t clean.
It’s summer out, you know? I should be out playing.
And you know, that book?
I have a meeting tomorrow in New York. With an agency, a real agency. My agents set it up. They’re retired but they set me up to go with me to see their boss. I’ve been sick since the date was set. And I ask, ‘what if they don;t take me?’
and they say they promise it will be a good experience.
If I was in my right head I’d be excited, but the pessimist has been up this week.
I know how it’s going to be.
Same thing as always, you know?
“Your book is great, so great, but the economy-so large-colour-no category-unprecedented-doodly-daa but we really with we could help you. Good luck!”
Positive! Like all the other positive rejections, lovingly patted on my sore head.
I’m ungrateful, I know it. I don’t care.
If I hear that string of words one more time, I swear I’m going to give up for a while. maybe a year or two.
Fuck you, bird! Why do you have to keep eating stupid stuff and upsetting the wife?
I just can’t wake up most of the day. I can’t even…like, look at this screen. I like social but everyone get the hell away. I’m sorry…there’s no skin on me.
I hear an ice-cream truck outside.
God I’m such a burden. I spent $100 on plants and I couldn’t plant all of them. Too hot sick tired and they died. They trusted me and they died. Wife had to do all the work this weekend because I was so messed up.
Writing all this while I can see. maybe I’ll feel better? At least people will knew where I went, I guess.
I’m just gonna…. something….
Sutton Laurus I went through a similar process with my ferret, this post hits really close to home. You suffer because you have a good heart – any other person would have let the bird die. As for your book, I think that the more rejections, the better its legacy. I perused the book a while ago. I still remember it, while I have forgotten others. Something like that HAS to be picked up. Lots of great books have been known to be turned down dozens of times.July 17, 2011 at 6:50pm · Like
Carmelena-Capriella Machevelli Take your time, sweetie. I have WEEKS sometimes where I’m not fit for human company and I’m telling you, it’s honestly a crap shoot as to whether or not I can get my own shit together sometimes. It sucks about the plants but I’ve done that before, hell, I haven’t even bothered to throw away the dead plants from the last time I went on a spending spree and somehow let them all die but for the life I just couldn’t drag my ass outside to even bother with it.I felt awful too, but it was hot and for the life of me, I just couldn’t will myself to move to even feed myself. If you could see the insurmountable amount of bird seed in my floor right now, but I’ve been running my own self into the ground…I actually bemused myself with the thought of just ripping out the flooring and throwing dirt down so that I didn’t have to bother with sweeping or vacuuming anymore.Then I could hide behind something tall and leafy when someone came over and they would believe I wasn’t really home, then again my car would give it away.I’m sorry to hear about the little birdie being sick again 😥 I perfectly understand the desire to save a little creature you love…for now I have RJ the expensive as hell cat with only three legs. I always find him doing something equally stupid as if he had no real regard for the dangers he places himself in.It doesn’t sound like you’re being ungrateful, just worn out from everything. Not taking the meds probably isn’t helping but I’m not about to preach about it, I can barely remember to take my own. Actually, I think yesterday I totally forgot, which explains why I couldn’t sleep worth a damn. If you start to feel a little better, take them, and just worry about taking care of yourself. Everything else will come in due time.July 17, 2011 at 7:09pm · Like
Susan Lipson It’s understandable that you’re feeling this way with everything going on. You’re not ungrateful at all. You should just rest and try to take care of yourself. It will probably help once you’re able to take your meds again, too. I do the same thing; not take them when I’m stessed and nauseous and it always helps once I start the meds up again. I’m so sorry to hear about your birdie. I hope he’s better soon.
As for the book, no matter what happens at this meeting, it will be all right! So many great books have been rejected numerous times before being published. That doesn’t make them any less great. It just takes time.
Just focus on feeling well again, love. Things will get better. ♥July 17, 2011 at 8:04pm · Like
Alexandra Brody Salazar You’re not ungrateful. Not in the least. I don’t sense a lick of entitlement or hubris in this. Just the opposite. It’s so natural to feel terrible when you can’t do things… when my roommate collapsed in the heat last year, yeah, I carried her home. But no, that wasn’t a burden to me. Some things are just so much more important than a horrible crappy week– and you are one of them. The things that are worth it are never a burden, even if you feel like one.July 17, 2011 at 10:38pm · Like